I like the rain today.

I like the Fall that's coming on.

The Earth, in its drama,
Will undress herself in Fall.
The leafs shed to the ground.
The flowers die and disintegrate.
What an incredible surge of energy moving across the land.

The trees are on their way to
turning gold and crackling orange
Lit up like the burning bushes of the Bible

And they'll burn like that for a
hot moment and
then with an outward breath,
the fire will go out.
There will be silence around the tree.
The buzzing energy will have dissapeared.
Listen closely however, because the buzz is still there
you just have to hold your ear right up to the trunk
to hear its faint hum.

I've always loved Autumn.


 

So here I am in Tennessee.
I never really imagined that I would come here. Its really friendly here and I like the accents. I accent is just warm and friendly.

In a week or so i'm going back to Utah. Here, i'll explain the decision to go back there in a bullet point timeline.

• I spent this past summer in Utah.
• After a couple of months, I started to feel insecure about my sexuality and think, "maybe being gay is too hard. maybe i can't live this life. maybe i should go straight." (live the "merry straight life" as heidi put it.) being around the mormon community really influenced me.

• I decided to spend the Fall in Utah instead of returning to U of Oregon. In my mind,  I was thinking that maybe I could "try out the straight life" for the Fall term and see what happens.

• Then I went on a trip to the Dominican Republic with my sort of girlfriend and we started hooking up. At first I felt this incredible guilt like I was sinning or something.
• After a month or so in the DR, I realized that being gay really is a part of me. I really believe it is.

But i'm going to make the most out of it.

Short updates from my life:
 

• I just got back from the Dominican Republic after a full month of volunteer and travel over there.
• I'm in Florida and am loving the Southern hospitality feeling. I've never been to the South before, and honestly i've always really wanted to go.
• I've finally made a profile picture of myself, because I don't care if anyone I know finds this journal anymore.

A Good Moment in my Life:

We're in Florida visiting my brother and sister in law, who just had their first baby. Seeing my brother and sister in laws life with their new baby made me realize how much I want a family one day. For a long time, I felt like I couldn't have a family because i'm gay and I couldn't imagine it happening. But i've realized lately that it could totally work.
I took a walk with my mom tonight, and she told me how much she just wants for me to be happy and that she will support me if I chose to start a family with a woman. I already knew that she would support me, but it was still good to hear her say that.

My mom also mentioned casually that she just hired a woman who has a female partner and two children. It made me realize that alot of people all over this country are having families with a partner of the same gender, and it is working out for them. It made me realize that it is becoming more common.

Anyway I feel better now that I talked to my mom.

I'm happy and excited about life right now.

 

I have decided that i'm going to start posting in this journal more now.

I haven't posted in here on a regular basis for like a year now. I guess I got distracted at college. There were so many distractions! I got a girlfriend, and met so many new people, and have had so many new experiences..

But now its the summer, and i'm spending this summer in the ultra conservative town of Provo Utah. Very Mormon dominated. You might ask, what in TARNATION would cause a queer, liberal girl such as myself to schlep over to Provo Utah for the summer? Well, my stepmom and father recently got divorced, and my stepmom needs someone to live with her for the summer and keep her company. So here I am.

But i'm gonna be bored here, so i'll be posting alot more often.

So yeah! That's me!

What are some of the greatest places YOU'VE ever traveled through? 

I'm going backpacking through europe and i'm planning where to go.

you said these exact words

"you cant make yourself like someone. i gave you a chance, i tried to see if i would like you but i dont."

and then 8 months later you said

"i didnt want to be serious with you over the summer because i didnt think i could be faithful to you because i was still not over karrie..........................but then you kind of left, and found someone new."


she was obviously lying at some point, so i dont know

Glass said:

[You mighta noticed that I took you off my facebook
You mighta noticed that you havent heard from me in a while
Its cuz I been thinking bout your face girl
Been thinkin bout the way that you made me smile.

But since you got girl right now
And since aint even live in the same city
Ima just let you be.
Ima just let you be.]

This sentence that she said
while staring at the dash
was pure pleasure falling on my ears
cuz it feels so good to be wanted
yes it feels so good to be wanted
and it feels extra good to be wanted
by your ex girlfriend.
who broke up with you.

with whom you shared a romance
that lasted the 3 summer months long.
and which she broke off
by fucking the girl in the touring punk rock band.

so fuck you, Glass. Fuck you Truth. I dont know who you are
But you know what, you gone too far.
You kinda fucked me up
You kinda ruined everything dontcha know?

But im not sure what to do.
Im having breakfast with her tomorrow morning.
i dont really like to eat breakfast around people.
i kinda like to be alone for that meal.
But whatever.

After that is over, im jumping on an airplane and flying to Utah.

<3, as always,
Thor

 

She

Said:

"I am jealous. I miss you. I didn't know what I had
until it was
gone."

how typical.

 

 It pretty much blows my mind that I started this journal almost one year ago.

What the hell?

So much has changed. So much hasn't changed.

It makes me feel good to know that alot of good things have happened, i have made quite a bit of progress.

i have a loving fulfilling relationship, i'm out of the closet to my friends, i am finally out of high school and on to college where I feel free and able to do what i want! so many great things!

 

I cannot, for the life of me, get to sleep right now.


things on my mind
1. Rachel

2. Emily, a girl I recently met. This girl is really interesting and cool. She has short hair. She's Rachel's ex. She told me that she's in love with me. I don't I have feelings for her at all. I really, really like her as a person though. Like, she has quickly become a good friend even though i've known her for a short amount of time.

3. Why do I hate Rachel so much now? I guess its not that I hate her, but sometimes I catch myself having these really evil terrible thoughts toward her. I'll be like, "God, I hate that bitch; what a slut."
<rant> Truth be told, I AM fucking angry at her. I am so fucking god damned angry at her. And I know that I don't have a good reason to be. She just plain did not want to have a relationship with me. There is no way I can fault her for her feelings.
Whatever. It is my fault. In the very beginining she was the one who initiated the sex, but as time progressed I became the initiator. Eventually I realized that if I didn't initiate sex, it wouldn't happen at all. I should have realized then that she didn't feel anything toward me. But I was so blinded by my feelings. God damn. I just want to get out of this town right now. And i'm sure she doesn't even miss me. I bet all she thinks about is that stupid ass girl who she fucked earlier this week. The girl was from out of town and was only in town for one night. And Rachel had sex with her the night that she met her. And then the next day she was crying about it, upset over it. Upset that she really had a connection with that girl who she fucked. WHAT THE FUCK. <rant/>

4. I am being obsessive. It is not attractive. I should stop.

5. I want her to miss me. I want her to miss me. I hope she misses me. But somehow I seriously effing doubt that she does. I'm considering never talking to her again. Ever.

6. I'm a bitch.

7. Not really, i'm just self conscious and I make up for it by being overly aggressive.

8. Would it be possible for me to never ever see her again? I really think I could pull it off. I'm going away to college now at PSU and that's about a million miles away from Eugene. I won't be home until probably Christmas or so. And if I don't make an effort to visit her, I won't see her. And I have deleted her from my cellphone. And I deleted her from my facebook. So there is no way she'll get into contact with me. The only way I could see her is if i accidentally ran into her. That would be awkward. I hope if I do, i'm wearing a flattering outfit.

9. "From each according to his ability, to each according to his needs." Marx << interesting quote

10. I just want to hurt her as much as she's hurt me. Even though this is a totally stupid thought, I aknowledge that. Its a horrible thought. It will do nothing for me but cause more pain. Here's why:

- She didn't hurt me. I caused myself to feel certain things and to have certain reactions to her actions.
-If i try to hurt her, I will be using up my own energy and moments with anger.



I think maybe i'll go to bed. Oh, I really like this song. Its good. Listen.

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<<THOR>>
 

Things are getting better already.
I spent hours out on my grandpa's saiboat in the mountain lakes.
I spent time with my good friend Hannah. Who's warm clear eyes and sweet calm spirit reminded me, once again, that things really are okay right now.
Everything is going pretty great. I'm going to go backpacking with my cousins and we'll be sleeping in the mountains for days. We'll leave tomorrow.

Things are beautiful. Hope you all are having beautiful days too.

Thor

Out of this town where Rachel lives. Where there are all these fucking memories of things that happened between us. Us swimming naked in the hot springs. Us driving in her car. Us naming our cars together. Us in her bed. In my bed.

I hate this place. I hate evertyhing.

she didn't love me. she didn't love me. I failed, i failed. Fuck.
I god damn failed.

i tried so hard to make her like me. i tried so fucking much.
And it didnt work. All I got was some memories and all she got was my CD which i'm not going to ask for back because I don't want to see her. But i'm still going to jump everytime I see a car that looks like hers.

I just want everything that happened between us to dissapear. I wish I could go back to the night that I met her and make her look the other way, and make us not notice eachother. I wish I could make everyhthing that ever happened between us just dissolve.
I want to never talk to her again. I want to delete everything on computer that reminds me of her. I want to delete her phone number, I want to get her off my FB and Myspace. I want to forget that she's there.

I just realized how teen angsty I am being. Maybe because it kind of feels good to be angsty. It feels kind of good to dwell in the past. And be immature. And think about all the passive aggressive ways I can punish Rachel for simply not being attracted to me.

I guess i really am a selfish American. All I wanted this whole time was to have her love me. That's all i've been thinking about in the past 2 months. I just want her approval and her love and her to put her arms around me and not let me go.
 

One day, we played a game where we both tried to keep eachother from being able to get up and run away. I laid down on her, and wouldn't let her get up. She was stuck. She literally could not move because I pinned her down.
When it was her turn to keep me down, I wriggled away from her and shoved her off me and ran.
She didn't even keep me.
She didn't even try that I hard, I think.

See? Oh, jeez. I'm so angsty. Who in the world will read this? I'm afraid that I'm spreading negative feelings by being such a moper. Our actions spread like waves, especially on the internet. I worry that i'll affect someone with my poor attitude and my emotional immaturity. I'm trying to grow up, I swear. I swear to god, I am. I just graduated from high school 3 months ago. Maybe I can use this as an excuse for my immaturity. Or maybe I can excuse myself by telling you that all my friends are immature, we all deal with our problems selfishly.
Sam just takes shrooms and smokes weed and pop Ecstasy tablets when he's sad.
Carly threatens to kill herself in order to make people do what she wants.
All Brett thinks about is is own image and how people view him. He buys new shoes every week.
All Megan can think about is her affair with a married man.

We're all so fucking immature.

I want to grow up.
I'm working on it.

Is there anyone out there? Am I alone on the lonely planet? Am I staring up the sky with my palms upward staring out at nothing? Is there no one staring back at me? Is anyone even going to read this entry?

Thor

So, I ended up not moving away from home yet.

I did leave , for about a week. But I came back and I won't leave town for another few weeks.

Just in case that detail was confusing any of you. :)

Damn,
things hurt in me.

Like the core of my brain.

She
is
not what I need.

But I still want ---
WANT WANT
her.

i crawled into her bed this morning, early.
[skin skin her olive skin chest, her breasts, the dizzying swoops of her curves]
i felt empty for hours afterward

if the chemicals of her brain for some reason reacted differently to
me,
to my eyes,to my smell,

maybe she would have a tugging at her heart for me.

but as it is,
she doesn't.
as it is,
this is just a friendship.

but its hard to remember that when
we're sitting naked
legs entwined on her bedroom floor
and she's kissing my mouth,
and we're enveloped in eachother,

that's when its hard to remember that

we're. just. friends.

she doesnt know, she does not know.

that shes like static in the back of my head and I can

always hear her,

always hear her voice, and see her face, and im always kissing her,

even when i was hundreds of miles away,
my mouth was still always on only hers.

but she doesnt know, and i guess i can't let her know

because if she finds out,

then,

then,

then....

things will be bad.

I can still smell you.

The salt of you.